Its been a while since i've posted anything here, aha. and everytime i do post, the phrase "time flies" never escapes my posts.

I'm more than halfway through my JC1 life now, and boy do i feel the heat. I feel like a little fish in a huge pond right now, the competition is so much fiercer and you cant afford any slacking. Trust me, cause i've been there, done that. Needless to say, I faired horribly for JCTs, failed it and got labelled a failure. I know its my fault for slacking off during the june hols. I cant blame anybody but myself, really. Truth be told, im actually butthurt most off the time in TJC because i can't perform up to my old standards, its just not the same. Everybody is so much better, prettier and more hardworking than me. Yeah, you got that right, I'm a sore loser. I can't take the fall, my huge ass ballooning ego is getting in my way. I've never been labelled a a failure for my academic results in all 17 years of my life and it sure hurts on the way down now. Im suddenly at the bottom of the "food chain". From President to getting suspended, From a single digit scorer to an absolute failure. Wow, shit man, it hurts.

I've prided myself because of my academics for the most of my life and now that little comfort i have to my self-worth is gone. You know it would be better if i wasn't reminded of how i failed EVERY single day. Yeah, teachers use the word failure on us openly, we get sent to night study classes, friends complain about their results in our faces. Erm hello? I have feelings too.

and that's not the worst, I feel like im less than nothing in tjco. really man, i got no background and i know i suck at percussion. I feel fucking worthless there because the pro players only talk among themselves and create some exclusive group for the elite players in CO. wow man thanks again for the reminder about how badly i suck. and to think i spent more than 15 hours a week at one point in time practicing for you guys. Even the seniors are not forgiving, ,looks of disgust/pity thrown at me. Maybe i don't belong in any chinese orchestra at all. Its been nothing but pain every time i join a chinese orchestra. My only comfort are my section mates.

I feel so stressed out, like im going to just breakdown and commit suicide anytime. Tears are a everyday affair in my life now.

I just came home from the temple to pray for wisdom and light in coming out of this hole i'm in. I hope i make it out of here in time. Kudos.