Just thought I'd "update" my blog a little after going on mconline to practice for O's oral. hahaha. man, it is a huge difference from PSLE. Really gigantic. I feel the pressure my my shoulders, like its nearly suffocating me. The work/revision/papers i ahve to complete never seem to end. But its alright i know its for my own good.

The strange thing is, I'm not complaining about the work i have to do because strangely enough. I WANT to do well. I really do. Its for myself but also for my parents and grandparemts. I never want the day last year when i took back my O level normal chinese results back. It was by far one of the worst events in my life.

We took our results in the hall along with last year's sec4. My heart was palpitating, pounding so hard against my ribcage. I could feel the adrenaline surging through me as i trudged towards the hall. we sat at the back in twos. Sun Li was the one giving back our slips. Suefang got her's back first and she was sitting in front of me, she got an A2 and was satisfied. I felt myself growing more tense as the teacher handed out the slips.

I had a horrible hunch that i was either going to get a B3 or A1, not A2. i dont know why though.

and as horribly as i expected, Sun Li handed me my slip and i saw a B first. Next number was 3. I felt my throat go dry, Should i be happy that it was a 3 and not a 4? I honestly don't know. Up till this day.
and then, beside me MJ got back her slip. An A1. Bloody fucking bitch, she knew that i had an B3 and was very upset about it. ANd she still had the fucking guts to "YES!" and fist pumped the air. mocking me, she was forever competing with me in every aspect. thank god, people have seen her true colours now.

My god, you have no fucking idea how much that hurt. I can't even explain to you.
I feels like you're being kicked when you're already down. Like a person just punched your gut and pushed your face into the dirt.But its not that grave. After all she's just some dog yapping the fuck off.

What really had me reeling in pain was the fact that my parents had congratulated me. even for that B3.

I texted them, " I got a B3 only..."

Both replied "Well done!" and "congratulations"

Thats was really the last straw and broke the camels backed. I couldn't hold back the tears. For i knew that i had disappointed them. And yet they still encouraged me, in a way i had failed not only them but myself too. If there's one thing i really can't stand is disappointing my loved ones. I could sense it in them, and yet they never berated me. Only encouraged me. Oh boy, that really hit my soft spot. It was more painful than any othe revent i went through, I saw the love my parents had for me, and it just broke my heart. I NEVER WANT THAT TO HAPPEN AGAIN.

no fucking way. I will and i must make them proud, I WANT TO DO WELL, I WANT TO GET INTO A PRESTIGIOUS JC. I WANT TO BECOME A BIOLOGIST. i will do it

O levels is not difficult, i just have to be consistent. I never want to feel the same way, ever again. I did it once in PSLE, i will be able to do it again, afterall, 7 is my lucky number :)